


Florida

by orphan_account



Category: EastEnders
Genre: Happily Ever After series, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-18
Updated: 2012-11-18
Packaged: 2017-11-18 22:27:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/565962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part of the same universe as Happily Ever After and A New Life in Birmingham. There may be more to come in this story/series but the Happily Ever After series stories are being written out of sequence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Florida

~

They'd flown in as evening fell. The decision last minute. The packing light. Syed didn't have much with him and Christian's vests weren't his thing so they'd be going to k-mart in the morning. They needed to pick up some tapes anyway. Syed had spoken up on the flight with a plan to read Yasmin bedtime stories and send them back over. They both missed her so much and it was something they could do together. They needed more of that.

Jane had met them at the airport. Bobby had been over on his school break but it had just been Jane and Linda for some time. Christian's father Rodger was around but no one was quite sure where and it seemed he was blaming himself for his wife's ill-health. The stress of his philandering or some such self-indulgent thing. Neither Christian nor Syed had listened much to Jane's ramblings. Not out of unkindness but things were still raw, held together with tissue paper and tears and Jane had been sensitive – or more likely clued up by Lucy – and sent them to bed early. 'I expect you'll be tired. Jet lag and all that. I wasn't sure, from what Lucy said if you'd...well anyway I made up two rooms. If you need them. You're down in the poolhouse anyway so it doesn't matter to me and it'll give you some space.'

They'd crept down together. Luggage in their hands and put it down by the door. Things were strained. With the stress of airports and security checks and Syed getting pulled aside apparently just because he was Muslim and their marriage not being recognised by US customs, tensions had flared up and each felt stressed and bothered and prickly. Hurt. Too desperate for each other to be apart, too many stirred up emotions to fall back into passion. Syed yearned for intimacy, for long hours alone without airports or crying children or noisy families or overhead music, announcements and hubub. A quiet room where they could lie down and look at each other and touch as lovers – a hand on a warm torso there, a trailing finger here – and talk and think and listen to silence. There was still so much unresolved between them that had to be discussed. Sex made them feel better, made them feel closer, but it wasn't going to solve everything. As they set about settling into their room in the poolhouse, Syed told Christian a few things about where his heart was at and Christian listened. It wasn't that Syed didn't love him, it was just that Syed's emotions had been in so many places – with his family and Amira and Yasmin and Danny and the Wedding and being unemployed and Christian's mother being ill and AJ arriving and Tamwar loosing the restaurant and defrauding his parents and so many other things that he didn't know what he was feeling. Christian knew he still loved Syed, he'd let him come along hadn't he? Christian reminded his husband. Oh yes, he knew love but sometimes Christian wondered if he felt too much too deeply. The truth was he was hurting. A lot. So much that he wanted to do nothing but fall apart but he was scared to do that with Syed there. It was going to take a lot of patience and gentleness and time for that sore to heal. He was happy that they were together again and he could get over Syed's infidelity but the hurt from Syed's lies and thinking that Syed didn't love him still echoed within Christian's heart, holding him back now that most of a day had passed and he'd had time to think about things. 

“Love's in there somewhere,' He told Syed quietly, “Its just lost and confused. I'm going to need some time to deal with everything.”

“I know.”

“Do you remember the first time?”

“Do you mean the first time in The Unit or the first time after you ruined my painting? That was hardly romantic. We fucked up against your front door.”

“Not the first time we fucked, the first time you loved me. You do remember, don't you? I was so scared then, Sy. Scared and lonely and afraid of my own shadow and you came every day and took care of me. Looked after me. We'd kiss sometimes or fumble around and then one day you took me to the bed and you made love to me and I knew then. You didn't say it for four months but I knew.”

“Then why break up with me if you knew? If you know so instinctively how I feel why leave?”

“Because whenever you couldn't say it with words before you always told me without them. This time you just stopped telling me, with words or without and I needed to hear it one way or another. Everyday. Somehow. However you can. I need that, Sy, and its fine if I'm in deeper and all of that stuff. Even when you boss me around I know that you care but you stopped, Sy. You just weren't there. Either time. Not that first time when we were a secret and not when you were sorting out the omnishambles you created.”

“You weren't there either. You were with my Mum most of the time.”

“Yeah, well, we're neither of us innocent in all this. We both did things wrong. I'm just telling you what I need, Sy. I need patience and understanding and I imagine sometimes I'll need some space but mostly I need your love. I can't do this unless I know you love me and whatever you need back I can give you if you give me that one thing. Your love. I love you, you know that and I'm here now. So will you do it? Can you tell me, Sy? If you have to close your eyes, blind-fold me, anything, just so long as you tell me any way that you can because if you can't there's no point in us being here and you might as well sleep in the next room.”

“I love you,” Syed's hand reached out to cup Christian's face and their foreheads slid together. “I know you deserve more than that but all I can give you right now is me and I love you with all my heart. You can have all the time you need, I promise. As your husband. I know you deserve more...”

“I know what I deserve, Sy and I know what I want.”

“Ok...”

“So you'll show me?”

“I'll try, if that's what you need of course I'll try but sometimes I just feel so inadequate next to you. I need to untangle this for myself.”

“Will you show me or not, Sy, because this hurts so damned much that if you can't...”

“Okay. If you're sure.”

“I am. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I think I can't stand you but all I've wanted through all of this is just to be lost in you, to be in your arms in our bed and forget everything else.”

“I can do that. For you, I can do that.”

~

It was quiet now. Night time. The night sounds of Florida, of quiet traffic and cicadas and crickets drifting in through the mesh screen covering the slightly open window. He'd never heard such a noisy night but there was something soothing about it in the darkness and he listened to it as an exhausted Syed lay against his chest, long golden fingers drawing circles on his skin. They hadn't made love like that in a long time and they'd needed it. Their coupling in Walford had been all fury and passion. This was softer, quieter, tende. Things were still fragile between them. There was love, but there was so much hurt too that all the healing would take time but for that moment, right there and it hadn't been without its awkward moments. Christian's voice had audibly shaken as he'd asked very quietly if they needed to use a condom but to move with Syed again, to be inside him and shut out the whole world and make love together in their perfect little bubble was just right. So right. As right as it ever had been. Painful and difficult and very raw but so right. Emotions for both of them had run very close to the surface. Syed's guilt, Syed's sorrow. Christian's hurt and mistrust. Now it was all over and for a short while at least Christian could just lie back in bed with his husband in his arms and feel soothed and comforted. Neither spoke. Neither needed to. Like illicit meetings at the flat in the early days of their relationship, each seemed to instinctively know what the other was feeling. Christian knew Syed was satiated and tired but also needy and slightly sore. Syed knew Christian needed some quiet time to think and let things be and he also knew that Christian knew he was the only man Syed had ever let inside him and what a big deal that was in Syed's culture with the way he'd been brought up. That, if nothing else, that was sacred. Not for a lot of gay men, maybe not even for most of them but for Syed, with his faith, with all it said about the place of sex in a married couples life, Syed knew that it was right that no matter how Christian disapproved of the notion of 'technicalities' that it had been right wait to take that step with him alone, the man who'd turned into his husband and no one else. The man he loved. The only one he ever had. Not the only one he'd been attracted to or ever would be, Christian pointed out...but love, now that was different.

“Sy, I have to ask. Did you and Danny...”

“...”

“Sy?”

“Fellatio.”

“You or him?”

“Christian, are you sure you want to...?”

“You. Or. Him.”

“Me. On him.”

Christian rolled his eyes. It was a crude thing to say but Syed loved sucking cock. It made sense. “And then what?”

“Hand job.”

“You what?”

“Well I never said it was actually good sex.” Syed paused when he heard a distinctive snorting sound from Christian. 

“Liar. Why didn't he return the favour?”

“I don't know. I paid for on once but none of the other men I've been with have reciprocated. Well except you, obviously.”

“Best blow job I ever had.”

“Now there's a lie.”

“Well, not in technical abilities,” Christian mused quietly. “Just in every way that mattered.”

Syed didn't know what to say to that or what it really meant. Thoughts flew around his head but none made it to his mouth and so he just kissed Christian's chest and settled down on his side of the bed. They didn't snuggle, exactly, but one of Christian's feet kept toying with his. It was a sign of how hard Syed was trying that he put up with Christian doing this and Christian knew it. Syed was ticklish, footsie kept him up at night but it was an intimacy that you could only enjoy with someone who took their socks off. Someone who was staying. Someone that meant something.

 

Patience followed. Day by day. Walks. Silences. Sex – sometimes not even because they wanted to just because Christian had this crazy idea that it would be good for them and Syed went along with whatever Christian wanted.

Christian noted that Syed was trying, especially with his mother who now knew everything. Syed didn't find it easy, but he really was trying to fit in and a few days later when Christian was pouring Iced Tea in the kitchen he couldn't help but hear his husband and his mother talking.

“Don't think I don't know what he was like and I'm not saying its never going to happen again. Oh you can talk all you want about breaks and technicalities but when you love someone, it hurts. Not just whatever it was they did, but the way they twist the knife by talking about being on or off. Hearts don't work like that, my boy, as you well know! Now Christian's father, I've come to accept that that man just won't be faithful and now I let him, but he tells me. That's the rule, one rule: he has to tell me. He has on-off girlfriends and he goes out on the pull but he doesn't love them, I know that. The truth is, Syed, you and my son are both men. This time it was you, last time it was him. It might be that you two stay monogamous for ever but my bet, living life as I have, my bet is in spite of your efforts and his at the end of the day you're both men and mean have one weakness. Sex. No point blushing, my boy, its true and you know it. This could happen again in twenty years, or even two...to either of you...but my son loves you, Syed Masood.”

“I know, Linda. I've just hurt him so much.”

“Give it time,” Linda smiled. “You two are good together. You both need time. You need it as much as he does and don't get me wrong, you hurt my son and that's a hard thing to forgive but I have a hunch you need this time as much as he does, Syed. You need to figure out what's going on in here,” Linda tapped Syed's chest. “What you want. What makes you happy. What you feel about life, the universe, everything.”

“Forty-two.”

“Sorry?”

A snort escaped Christian and he shook his head then went back to the iced tea. It was true, Syed was hurting a lot too and nearly as messed up as him but if you could make bad Tamwar-induced sci-fi jokes there was surely some hope that his husband was in there.

When the muttering lulled to close next door Christian had the glasses ready and held one out when he heard Syed's footfall approaching the door.

“Hey!” Syed smiled a fake smile that didn't work.

Christian looked at him, still hurting, still sad, but better. “Husband,” He smiled as best he could and pecked him on the cheek, passing the glass over.

“What was that for?”

“Because I love you.”

“I love you too. Were you listening?”

“Enough to know that my parents have an open relationship. Thanks for that, by the way.”

Syed winced. No child, no matter how old or adult, needed to know anything like that about their parents. He approached Christian slowly and stood by him. Something told him Christian wouldn't really welcome being touched right now, he was giving off hurt and prickly vibes but Syed held Tanya's words in his mind, that the way to help Christian's wounds heal was to be patient and be there and be sincere.

“What?” Christian asked.

“I didn't say anything.”

“I know. You're head's whirring so fast they'll be able to hear it in Mexico. What's going on in that noggin of yours.”

Syed shrugged. “You're probably not interested.”

It had seemed like the right thing to say, but Christian's body language chilled towards him.

“Its just...” Syed stuttered. Make an effort, he reminded himself. “I've got so much running though my head, about you and you Mum and Jane and Yasmin and Tamwar and my folks and Amira and work – and not having any – and the future and what's going to happen and whether this is going to work out and what that means for the future. So many thoughts I can't separate or explain them at the moment. Its all a mess, up here.”

Christian nodded in acknowledgement and then let out a long sigh. “Sy, she's right, you know.” 

“I don't know what you mean.” Syed stared at his hands, avoiding his husband's eye. Who was he kidding, he was an absolute mess, but he didn't want Christian thinking he was about to go off the rails. It had been ages but slowly Christian was starting to warm to him. Forgive. There was an echo of contentment behind Christian's eyes that he hadn't seen for a long time and being in Florida with the sun and the pool and his mum and sister were doing wonders for him. Sye didn't want to spoil that.

“No matter how patient you are with me this isn't going to work if you don't take some time to untangle all that.” Christian tapped Syed's skull. “Start with baby steps. Start with what the core. The foundation of your life. The thing that everything else revolves around. The thing you can't live without and once you've figured out what that is you need to start prioritising.”

“Like you have?” Syed retorted before his brain had even thought about what an appropriate response might sound like. As soon as the words were out, Syed was pretty sure this didn't count.

“I don't know, Sy, how do I prioritise Mum and Yasmin?”

Syed was a little dumbfounded. “Wait a minute, I thought this was about us. Christian, your mother and Yasmin are on different continents! And where do I fit in?”

“Wherever I can fit you,” Christian shrugged. “You're the love of my life but in every way that matters Yasmin's my daughter and my Mum is my Mum. Its about family, Sy, and I've waited my whole life to have that. You gave me a taste of it, but you never told me how complicated it was.”

“Its difficult to explain.”

“I'm getting that. Like you, I've got to do some thinking.”

“But what if you and I come up with different answers?”

“Then we compare notes and we talk and we each decide what we can and cannot compromise on.”

 

It was three nights later that Christian found him. Three long, quiet days when Christian woke up to a cold bed and found Syed beating the couch to a pulp and crying his eyes out. Christian went up to the house and put on the kettle on, giving Syed time. After half an hour he headed back with tea and toast in his hands. Syed was exhausted. Wrung out. Christian knew how it was, or at least he was learning. Syed suppressed things, that was just how it was. When things got too much for Christian it came tumbling out but with Syed it went the other way, it got pressed deep, deep down and nothing but nothing would bring Syed to take that pandora's box out until it all got too much and began to eek out. First came the anger, outrageous anger, unparalleled. Shouting and screaming and tearing the house down until the anger began to water down and a little, then a lot and then tears came pouring out and Syed cried and cried and after a while when Syed was over his needing to be alone and have space thing, Christian sat down beside him on the tiled floor and smoothed a hand over his back. Syed initially flinched but Christian reminded him, 'I'm your husband. You can let me see you at your worst and I'll still love you,' and after that Syed cried a little more in Christian arms until Christian dragged him back to bed and they settled down.

The day after that Syed slept a long time and Christian watched over him all that time. He made a food run to the kitchen, saw his mother, apologised to Jane and retreated back to the poolhouse with snacks. Christian read and thought about Yasmin, watching over his beautiful boy. Syed slept until lunch and still felt wrung-out. A hot shower, clean clothes and good food helped and he prayed and spent the afternoon by the pool. In the evening they went out for a walk round the neighbourhood and finally felt sociable enough to share dinner out with the family. Syed was quiet and exhausted but he seemed to have a weight off his mind and Christian was sure they'd broken down some of those walls when Syed told him, intuitively, he loved him as they got into bed later that night.

It was at four am in pitch darkness, both lying awake, that Syed whispered it.

“You. You and then Yasmin,” Syed confessed. “My priorities.”

“Was that what earlier was about?”

“You're supposed to pick your children first. I'm a bad son, a bad husband, a bad Muslim and now a bad father.”

“Yeah, well, I think I'd probably pick Yasmin over you in a burning building so I think that about makes us even.”

“Christian, if that's supposed to make me feel better...”

“It wasn't.”

Syed didn't speak to Christian for the rest of the night.

 

The days that followed, like the ones that went before were long, hot and tiring. Contemplative in their own way. You couldn't do anything too fast. The poolhouse was cool and gave them some measure of privacy. Privacy from his mother and privacy from the neighbours, none of whom were out and proud PFLAG members. The pace of life was slow. The sun shone every day. Fresh fruit was always available. Sunbathing and reading in the shade favourite past times. Christian went swimming, Syed didn't. Syed wasn't one for getting his kit off but he wore those long cooling traditional robes that Christian loved on him and more than once Christian found himself oggling Syed across the pool as he read his quo'ran. Gradually walls fell. Syed's manner smoothed out and became natural once more, like it had been in the months after his family threw him out. Christian didn't know if Syed realised how much some physical distance from his family de-stressed him but right now probably wasn't the time to point it out. Now was the time for healing and Christian's family. Linda's health wasn't good but she seemed better for seeing Christian and for some reason or another his mother had taken Syed under her wing and the two of them often had long chats up in her bedroom about this or that or whatever. Syed seemed happy with it and often looked at Christian differently afterwards. There had even been album sharing. Family albums. Christian's kid photos – even the naked toddler in the back garden ones, much to Christian's chagrin.

“You still want kids, don't you,” Syed announced one night after dinner. They'd been charged with 'relaxing' in the living room while Jane cleared up after dinner and Syed couldn't get the thought out of his mind that there had been something to the very particular way Christian's eyes glanced at him every time a kiddy photograph came out. He knew there ought to be words for those thoughts but like with so many things Syed's tongue got tied up. There was so much between them, sometimes it was still hard when they got left alone and right now they were still alone as Linda and Rodger walked round the garden. Syed examined an ornament and then put it down. “I mean as well as Yasmin.” Syed looked up.

“Mostly right now I just want to see Yasmin. I miss her. Why? What do you think?”

“I'm not sure.”

Christian rolled his eyes. “Adoption's out, with Yasmin in the picture.”

“But you have thought about it?”

Christian pressed his lips closed.

“Christian?”

“Its a big commitment. We already have one child.”

“You want another baby,” Syed stated. It wasn't a question.

Christian nodded. “Yeah,” He whispered, looking at Syed sincerely. “Syed I don't want to be a couple. I want to be a family. If you'd had five kids when I met you I still would have done everything I could to be with you. Its hard to explain, its not something that makes sense its just what's in my heart – and my gut. I need to be a father and...I don't want to stop at Yasmin.”

“But why now, that's what I don't get. Gay men have been fathers for ages, if you wanted children so much why didn't you just go and have a child with someone? Or adopt or something.”

“What can I say, I watched too many disney movies as a child. You know how it is, you meet you prince first and then you go off and have a family and that's always how it was for me, in my head. I wanted the full deal. I wanted to fall in love, get married, settle down. I wanted the fairy tale. I wanted more than some random child that I'd only be getting involved with to fill the gaping hole in my heart where my lover ought to be. I do want a family, Sy, I always have, but I don't just want any family – I want it with you.”

Syed nodded. “Wow. That's a lot to take in.”

“I know,” Christian smiled sadly. “And I know you're younger and you're not in the same place in your life and maybe its too much to ask of you but we're trying to make this work. Lets call it sharing in the spirit of honesty.”

“I appreciate that...but this has been going on for a while now Christian and we've looked at adoption and we've got a daughter with Amira and you still have this itch for more children. I appreciate you being honest with me, I really do, but I'm not sure you're being honest with yourself. You think that because you're a gay man you ought to do the right thing. Look at adoption, be willing to raise another man's child, be a parent.”

“I want that.”

“I know you think you do but from where I'm standing that's not enough for you. I think deep down you need more than to be a father, I think you need to father a child.”

There was silence for a long time. Christian wasn't going to acknowledge the point but the statement rang true in his head. “That's why you were so eager to jump in with Roxy when she offered.”

“No...Sy...”

“Who are you trying to convince, Christian? Me or you.” He continued quietly. “I'm just saying, if we're going to make this work, if we're going to make decisions about our future and Yasmin and where we live and work and what sort of life we want together it makes sense to get these things out in the open, doesn't it? Its like some sort of biological imperative with you. I need to know, Christian.”

“Sy...”

Syed ran a hand through his hair. “Look, don't get me wrong. I like being a father. I'm just in a different place to you. I never felt the need to create little mini-me's and the fact that one happened by accident, well I love Yasmin you know I do and I love being a father but I'm not interested in breeding.”

Christian snorted. “I'm hardly about to jump in bed with the nearest woman I find and you don't even know what you want, Sy, so I don't know how you can stand there ruling things out without even considering them.”

“I'm not ruling things out and I know tknow what I want. I know I want you. To be with you. I love you, Christian and I might have slept with Danny but what I said on our wedding day still stands. You're my best friend. You're the man I love and now you're my husband,” Syed took Christian's hand and examined his ring finger.

Christian sighed, defeated. “I'm a gay man, Sy, I'm forty, I think if I was meant to have kids...”

“Don't talk to me about that same old rubbish drummed into your head by idiot teachers in high school!”

“We can't afford a surrogate.”

“We could co-parent.”

Hurt flashed across Christian's face and he turned away from Syed.

“Look, Sy, this is getting a bit heavy. Maybe we could take a time-out, yeah?”

Syed hesitated and took a step back. Christian was trying to be subtle. It wasn't working. “You'd like some space.”

Christian sighed. “I don't want you to think I don't appreciate what you're doing, because I do, but this is some pretty heavy stuff we're talking about, Sy. I need some time to think about it, that's all.”

Syed paused for a moment. There were more things to say but he had a feeling now wasn't the time and so he brushed his hand over Christian's arm and pecked his cheek in an intimate gesture and then headed back to the poolhouse to pray. “Ok, but don't think too hard. While you were hidden in gay night clubs and I was angsting over my religion, the world changed, Christian. You don't have to use your gayness as an offensive weapon any more. We're not under attack the whole time. A lot of people are perfectly fine with it. If you want a kid, your own kid, its fine to admit it. It happens. Quite a lot, if the newspapers are anything to go by.”

“I am not the one who has issues here!” Christian exploded. Syed figured he'd obviously touched a sensitive issue.

“Ok,” Syed sighed. “If we could live anywhere in the world, anywhere at all when our visas run out, where would it be?”

“Birmingham,” Christian responded automatically.

Syed smiled. “Seems as good a place as any.”

“You really mean that?”

“If its what you want. I love you Christian, I want you to be happy and Yasmin dotes on you more than anyone. No, I wouldn't mind living there. Near our daughter. Let her bond with you a bit more. Amira says she won't let go of your tapes. Mine she likes but your she has to have, every night.

 

Later, after Jane got Linda ready and put to bed for an early night and Rodger went out – again – Christian sat down with his sister in when Syed went off to pray. Or give them time to talk, Christian mused. He had to give Syed credit, he really was trying.

“Well Syed's certainly trying,” Jane smiled warmly, hugging her warm cup of coffee. Decaf at this time, although she was so tired from caring for their mother that she probably would have slept anyway with a whole ton of caffeine.

“Yeah. He is. He talked to Tanya before we left. She told him to give me time. Be patient.”

“Is it working?”

“I think so. Funny thing is, I thought he was the one with all the issues but we were talking today and...”

“And?” Jane prompted.

Christian hesitated. “Jane...do you think...”

“Think what?”

“Nothing.”

“Think what, Christian?”

“Do you can be gay and still want to be a father.”

Jane's brow furrowed. “Well you are a father – to Yasmin. In the same way that I'm Bobby's mother. Being a parent, its about more than just biology, Christian, you should know that.”

“I know, I know, its just Sy thinks...” Christian trailed off again.

“Oh for the love of Christ would you finish a sentence for once! Syed thinks what, Christian? Honestly, its like getting blood from a stone talking to you, sometimes.”

“Sy, thinks I need to have a child. Father a child. That this thing that I'm feeling won't go away unless I do that and...I don't know its all messed up in my head.”

“You think Syed's wrong?” Jane prompted.

Christian spun his wedding ring round on its finger. “What do you think?”

“Well its your head, Christian.”

“But what do you think?”

“I'm not sure you want to know what I think.”

“Jane...” Christian pleaded.

“I think that you think that because you're an old school gay man you can't be 'properly' gay and still be a 'breeder' and you believe all the hype about adoption and fostering and taking on other people's kids, kids around now that are looking for homes, which isn't untrue but the point is all that stuff is just one of a whole host of options and for a long time it was the only option and you were conditioned to think, like a lot of gay men, that being a natural father wasn't something that was normal or acceptable or quite simply going to happen for you and you've believed that for so long you've completely suppressed any acknowledgement of your own feelings on the subject.”

“Well they're right, aren't they? There are all these kids out there, kids just like Yasmin and Bobby...”

“But this isn't about Yasmin and Bobby! This is about you.”

“Jane I can't...I can't let myself think...” Christian paused. “I'll only be let down, Jane. I'm not strong enough to start dreaming.”

“Sounds like you already know the answer.”

Christian's head hung. His hand, shaking, reached out for Jane's and tears sprang into his eyes. When her little brother's tear-filled eyes met hers Jane did the only thing any self-respecting big sister could do and pulled him into her arms.

 

That night Christian and Syed made love. It was a difficult thing, being together like that brought all their emotions to the surface and the slowly healing sores inside their hearts wept a little but it was good for them. They were closer than they had been in a long time. They talked. They lay awake together. Without children or friends or inlaws helping them burn the candle at both ends they had all the time in the world to just be together, instead of Christian being out late with Roxy and both being up early with Yasmin and impromptu visits from Masood and Tamwar and the rest of Syed's family. It was just the two of them. Private time, to sort things out.

“I talked to Jane.”

Syed didn't say anything in response but he squeezed Christian's hand to tell him he was listening.

“We talked about children. I asked what she thinks.”

“And what did she say?”

“She thinks I already knew. Here I was thinking you were the one with all the work to do sorting out your head and all told this is more painful than coming out was. I was so sure I knew what it meant to be gay. I had a it all worked out. The clubbing, the one night stands, the favourite uncle...and all the time I think I was hiding from what I really wanted. I mean don't get me wrong, I love a night out and a party but I went at it so hard I pushed anything else down. Never thought about having kids.”

“Except in your subconscious,” Syed pointed out. He let out a breath and then looked at Christian before asking the next one. “Christian...how long do you think you've wanted children. Honestly.”

Christian thought a long time before answering. “When I came out I fell out with my parents. I read around a lot, talked to people. Figured stuff out. I took on the mantle of out and proud gay and I liked that, really, I loved it. I loved everything it stood for but didn't like what it meant. What gay culture said that it meant, or some parts of it anyway. All I've done, since I came out at seventeen was look for the family that was missing. I love my Mum, don't get me wrong, but I always felt something was missing. It was incomplete, in a way. I had friends, boyfriends, I lived with people, got a dog for a few years but it was always a square-peg round-hole-in-the-heart situation. Wanting to settle was a betrayal by some people. It was one or the other. Either you were an out and proud gay and like this or you were a hetty like them. Not everyone thought that but I was young and it was an opinion that was common enough. If I'd been born straight I'd say it was something I always knew I wanted at some point but I wasn't born straight. I'm gay and gravity doesn't work upside down. Water doesn't run up a hill.”

“No, it doesn't. The clouds carry it,” Syed kissed Christian's shoulder. “Don't be too hard on yourself. You came out at a difficult time. You are the way you are because that was what was accepted,” Syed pointed out. “Gay men were expected to be a certain way, even by some other gay men. You figured you'd be seen as a sell-out if you went for the marriage, family and two-point-four children.”

“Except here I am married and with a god-child and step-daughter and thinking about more.”

“Thinking about yours,” Syed pointed out.

“Syed, do you want more children.”

“Not of my own, no.”

“Oh.”

“Wouldn't mind one of yours, though.”

“What if you cheat again. What if I do.”

“Then I tell you I love you and if I have to I beg you and I give as much time to heal as you need. Like I promised.”

“I still hate the thought of you with that man. He didn't watch you pray, did he?”

Syed squinted at Christian. Christian shifted uncomfortably. “Christian, it was one grubby fumble as you put it. We weren't exactly living together.”

“I know that its silly, Sy, every Muslim on the planet prays every day but its such a big part of you and you don't share that with anyone. It feels special, even if its not.”

“I share it with my family and my mosque, Christian.”

“And you shared it with me.”

“That's important to you?”

“Of course it is. I love you, Syed Masood. All of you. Even the bits that get us stopped at customs for three hours.”

“It wasn't three hours. It was one hour.”

“I don't know why you're defending them!”

“I'm not!” Syed rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He sighed. “No, I didn't pray in front of my other men. Especially not Danny. Didn't even tell him I'm Muslim. Its like being gay. Some people just know it and if you need to point it out, well sometimes you get second thoughts about whether you want to.”

“Feels silly to be proud of a faith I don't believe in,” Christian remarked, “But I am – because of you.”

“Its not silly. Its love. Now you tell me something about you.”

“Like what?” Christian huffed.

“We're sharing here. I had no idea that my faith meant that much to you. You've got me curious.”

“Its a huge part of your life and when you marry someone you're sharing their life and you share yours with them. Of course its important. If you can't see that then why are you with me?”

“For your amazing body of course. Why are you with me?”

“Because you're my soul mate.”

Syed laughed. “A real reason. You don't believe in that stuff.”

“I know,” Christian mused. “Funny, isn't it?”

That shut Syed up but it didn't help him sleep. Not for a long time.

~


End file.
